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COVID Humor

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    COVID Humor

    From elsewhere on Next Door, forwarded by a relative:
    Half of us are going to come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks. The other half will come out with a drinking problem.

    I used to spin that toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune. Now I turn it like I'm cracking a safe.

    I need to practice social-distancing from the refrigerator.

    Still haven't decided where to go for Easter ----- The Living Room or The Bedroom

    PSA: every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pajamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.

    Homeschooling is going well. 2 students suspended for fighting and 1 teacher fired for drinking on the job.

    I don't think anyone expected that when we changed the clocks we'd go from Standard Time to the Twilight Zone.

    This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her. I came into my house, told my dog..... we laughed a lot.

    So, after this quarantine.....will the producers of My 600 Pound Life just find me or do I find them?

    Quarantine Day 5: Went to this restaurant called THE KITCHEN. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.

    My body has absorbed so much soap and disinfectant lately that when I pee it cleans the toilet.

    Day 5 of Homeschooling: One of these little monsters called in a bomb threat.

    I'm so excited --- it's time to take out the garbage. What should I wear?

    I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip to Puerto Backyarda. I'm getting tired of Los Livingroom.

    Classified Ad: Single man with toilet paper seeks woman with hand sanitizer for good clean fun.

    Day 6 of Homeschooling: My child just said "I hope I don't have the same teacher next year".... I'm offended.


    Bless those who disappoint you; they're leading you toward a better path.

    #2
    Oh, this was so funny, I needed to laugh - thanks! 🤣🤣
    Kathie from Indiana

    2020 Stashbuster MAL: WTD + 2, YTD + 125

    Comment


      #3
      Outstanding!
      Shelly in South Carolina

      "Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible." Dalai Lama

      US Gardening Zone 8B

      Comment


        #4
        Super fun, read them to DH! 🤣

        Comment


          #5
          BAHAHAHAHA!
          Thanks for sharing!

          Comment


            #6
            Thank you, these are great!

            Comment


              #7
              LOL!! Thanks for posting this!! 😁

              Comment


                #8
                These were fantastic. 🤣
                I loved the homeschool jokes.
                (I retire from my homeschool mom position next year. 25years)
                Book Challenge 20/50
                2020 stash busting WTD.2 YTD.+24

                Comment


                  #9
                  This article made me giggle. I am considering it Covid-19 humor because....well... I am under a stay at home order and this happened not too far from me...and I thought it was funny.

                  The 'bad guy' is fine. The article says he was found a little beat up and Tied to a Tree. However, he was in a fight right before he committed the hit and run.

                  As a bit of back ground Calaveras county is THE county Mark Twain wrote about in The Celebrated Jumping Frog of Calaveras County.

                  His county is apparently not participating in the recent reduction to Zero$ bail program. I think the article said his bail was close to $2,195,000. Also, it appears the police are asking for witnesses to his hit and run...not to how he got back to the area and tied to the tree.


                  https://sacramento.cbslocal.com/2020...elephone-pole/

                  https://sacramento.cbslocal.com/2020/04/07/calaveras-county-hit-and-run-suspect-telephone-pole/
                  Last edited by hereami; 04-10-2020, 09:47 AM. Reason: 1st edit to change the link. 2ed edit because the bail is $2,195,000. i missed all the zeros the first time.
                  Book Challenge 20/50
                  2020 stash busting WTD.2 YTD.+24

                  Comment


                  • Amore
                    Amore commented
                    Editing a comment
                    Hilarious! Thanks for posting, hereami.

                  • Hellokitten
                    Hellokitten commented
                    Editing a comment
                    Apparently he wasn't social distancing correctly.

                  • Amore
                    Amore commented
                    Editing a comment
                    chuckle @ hellokitten's comment

                  #10
                  More COVID humor... ! 😲😨😳 😷

                  Stand by for news. This is huge...

                  I got confirmation an alien invasion is imminent. Do NOT panic. But 5 million of you are about to be abducted unless you do as I say...

                  I’m confident we can get those numbers down to only around 500,000 abductions. What you need to do is grab a hammer and start smashing all of your toes.

                  These aliens will not abduct anyone with smashed toes. I know this is uncomfortable, but we’re all in this together...

                  Ok, this is very bad. We are in for a very rough few weeks because enough of you are not smashing your toes. Do you want 5 million abductions? You’re not smashing your toes. Start smashing your toes.

                  I’m revising my original prediction. Looks like we won’t have anything close to 5 million abductions. In fact, I think we’ll only have 400,000 now cause of the toe smashing. Keep going. Smash away.

                  Ok, we have updated news. Looks like there will only be 200,000 abductions. Keep smashing. Don’t worry. This is only a pause in you being able to walk.

                  Wow. This outstanding! Looks like there will only be 30,000 abductions after all! Congratulations everyone! We did it! You’re welcome for saving the planet. Better go get those toes looked at. See you later. I’m going to back to retirement. Please thank me.
                  Source: twitter, JesseKellyDC 9:36 AM - 9 Apr 2020

                  Comment


                  • FreedomLover
                    FreedomLover commented
                    Editing a comment
                    If only, next they'll tell us this is working so well we need to start breaking our fingers.

                  • Amore
                    Amore commented
                    Editing a comment
                    Unfortunately, this has the wry ring of truth about it! Prophets, doomsayers, modelers and all!

                  • qfknit
                    qfknit commented
                    Editing a comment
                    LOL, meanwhile observational evidence shows that when the aliens have captured a person, if that person gets access to take some anti-alien pills, the aliens will release him/her, no matter how beautiful their feet are...
                    hydroxycholoroquine, Azithromycin (Z-Pak), zinc...!

                    Save your feet.... try the pills!

                  #11
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                  Shelly in South Carolina

                  "Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible." Dalai Lama

                  US Gardening Zone 8B

                  Comment


                    #12
                    Originals by Michael P. Rameriz, "two-time Pulitzer-winning cartoonist" - https://michaelpramirez.com/index.html

                    Excellent cartoons and social commentary, based on current events, including COVID-19.

                    Comment


                      #13
                      Restaurant server demonstrates how to serve and keep a six foot distance:

                       
                      Shelly in South Carolina

                      "Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible." Dalai Lama

                      US Gardening Zone 8B

                      Comment


                      • pinesprairie
                        pinesprairie commented
                        Editing a comment
                        Oooooooooh 🤣

                      • qfknit
                        qfknit commented
                        Editing a comment
                        Good aim, but... YIKES!
                        😲
                        Being practical here, and thinking a few steps ahead... I would not want to have to clean that up!

                      • FreedomLover
                        FreedomLover commented
                        Editing a comment
                        I'm glad they're practicing without people at the tables.

                      #14
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                      ​"​​​​Be with those who help your being "- Rumi

                      Comment


                      • FreedomLover
                        FreedomLover commented
                        Editing a comment
                        I enjoy watching some crafters on YT and while they haven't gotten this desperate they are digging deep into their stash.

                      • Amore
                        Amore commented
                        Editing a comment
                        Took me a minute, but when I finally got it, LOL!

                      #15
                      What I miss the most is the senior center and the knitting circle. Thinking maybe I'll dress up my collection of stuffed animals and have a tea party. (And this is being done "for your own good"?)

                      Hubby finds that every day or so he needs some more metal or another lag bolt or hex wrench or whatever (hardware store is open, if you don't mind standing in an hour-long line). I'm thinking he's on to something. Let's see: today I absolutely MUST get a head of romaine lettuce and some white mushrooms and . . .
                      Bless those who disappoint you; they're leading you toward a better path.

                      Comment


                      • FreedomLover
                        FreedomLover commented
                        Editing a comment
                        Be careful out there, if I have to go out I soak a paper towel with bleach cleaner (because the wipes haven't been seen in ages) and put it in a plastic bag to wipe my hands with as soon as I'm back in my car and then once I'm home I change my clothes and wash my hands like I'm a surgeon.

                      • hereami
                        hereami commented
                        Editing a comment
                        reminds me...I absolutely must get strawberries.
                        Not just any strawberries. From the family farm on the outskirt of town surrounded by nothing but farm land. Where the woman is completely masked, gloved and standing behind a plexiglass sneeze panel. Honest... It is on my way back and forth taking a young adult to her essential job. Sure it is the LONG way...but I won't see another human outside a vehicle the whole time. (these huge strawberries actually taste like...strawberries. The ones in the stores look like strawberries, but taste like strawberry water and are small)

                        Some of our farmers markets on the outskirts of town are working with the County Government to maintain social distancing requirements. 50 customers...a hand washing station for us...etc. I am really blessed to be surrounded by so many family farms, fresh farmers markets. weekly they have a farmers markets somewhere 'near by'. A few open daily. Before Covid I would drive around looking for small fruit stands on family farms, or was asking anyone and everyone. I now know where to pick fresh blue berries. Well...if they allow it this year.

                        Amore They have all sorts of veggies. If you go and don't see what you would like as if they can get some, or if there is another farm close by that has some.
                        The people selling fresh eggs are doing a great business right now as well. You normally find them by either word of mouth or seeing their sign on the side of the road.

                      • Amore
                        Amore commented
                        Editing a comment
                        Thank you, hereami. One of the workers the hubby employed to help build his new shop has a farm. He brings us fresh eggs regularly. Also farm-raised pork. His animals actually have names, not numbers. Small farms are sustainable when things go crazy (as in, right now for instance). Plus, I feel much better about what they produce.

                        The way I figure it is, between me and the animal the pact is "Yes, I'm going to eat you. But in the meantime I'm going to give you the best life and the easiest death I can manage. You get to be what you were born to be, not just a meat (or egg) machine."

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